Clock - Feed

It's been 2 days since we got home from the hospital with Adrian. He had been doing pretty well...just eat and sleep. It's the 3 of us, Steven, Cassandra and I are getting use to our new lives together.

Steven and I are now finally gotten use to watch the clock. We haven't done that for so long and it's been forgotten. When I was in the hospital, the nurse would ask me when did I fed him and for how long, I just couldn't answer her. I totally forgot the clock, watch the clock. Now, we finally got use to it.

I am going back to how I was with Cassandra again about breastfeeding. It was not as bad as the first time, but I still don't like it and definitely don't enjoy it. May be it's majority because of my nipples are being too big that he just don't latch on very well. Whenever he wants to latch on, instead of open his mouth wide, he would just suck it like how he would of suck it at at straw. This kills me! I finally decided to just feed him by doing pumping. It's quicker for me to pump and much quicker for him to drink. Instead of spend almost an hour, it would just take about 20 minutes. But, I still don't enjoy it. I don't like the fact that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pump and Steven has to get up too to feed. So, for one feeding, it will wake up the both of us. What happened when he has to go back to work 2 weeks later? I certainly do not look forward to me having too do them all by myself.

I talked to Steven last night to give up. I think both of us will enjoy it much more if we go 100% formula. He still feels if we fed Cassandra for a month, we should do that too to Adrian. But, is there a point? Do I feel guilty by saying and thinking all of these stuff? Sure, I do. But, I also know from my previous experience is that I will probably enjoy Adrian more if I do what I feel what's comfortable for me. Am I being selfish? I guess. But, what good will do to Adrian if I am not a happy mom? I think I will quit pumping my breast milk, but I will wait until 2 weeks later after my mother-in-law goes home. She breastfed all her 3 sons back then and she's not very thrill already by me using the pump. She feels when the mother breastfeed, there's a mother and son feeling. But, do I really care about that? Will that make my son don't want me as his mom if I am not breastfeeding, not having that close skin touch feeling? I don't think so. Cassandra is close to me just as my friend's kids close to her who breastfed her kids all year long.

Anyhow, I just have to do whatever is good for me for now. I can't wait until 2 weeks later when my mom comes. But, that's when Steven goes back to work which I am not looking forward to either. I guess you gain one thing, you have to loose one thing....